Boredom in the bedroom

It may be the flip side ofliberalization. As the urban Indian woman asserts her individuality, one of theparameters she thinks significant is her level of sexual satisfaction. This isboth good and bad. Sex is happily becoming a major relationship-indicator forcouples, but the problem is that many Indian women seem to be complaining.Like furniture designer Parul Arora who says it's not the men in herlife but the life in her men. "I don't think they were worth anything. What elsecan explain our dead sex life?", says this 37-year-old who has been divorcedtwice, though sex was "only one big reason." She has had lovers in between hermarriages and since but it is the same story in the end. "After the initialeuphoria dies down, sex in all my relationships has been like maths class: Ialways wondered how the person next to me is doing his work, and I always scorebadly."Experts confirm this trend and it's a fact that's illustrated in a new book by a Chicago-based clinical psychologist who researched 400 urban middle and upper-class Indian couples over a 12-year period. Dr Shaifali Sandhya says the "Indian marriage is burning" and around 80-85% divorces are initiated by women. About one-third of her respondents - aged between 22 and 55 and married for any where between one and 36 years - said they were unhappy with their sex lives.The problem may be the dichotomous nature of theurban Indian marriage. The sexual revolution, says Sandhya, is still incomplete,which means Indian women can oscillate between embarrassing sexual naivete andembarrassingly wide experience. Meanwhile, couples face the "culture wars" ofgender role play, which show up most sharply in issues such as work-lifebalance, earning and spending money, who looks after the children and whoinitiates sex.Sandhya says that Indian women still "bear the burdenof marriage", which may be the reason as many as 72% of the wives she spoke toreported mid-to-full-blown depression. But never mind the sociologyof the marriage bed. Sexual health experts agree that the middle classincreasingly evaluates marriage on the basis of the physical and emotionalpleasure of sex. Sexologist Dr Prakash Kothari says that when he began topractice 36 years ago, a woman patient would never complain to him about sexualdissatisfaction. "But now women know that sexual right is a basic right. It isnot like they were not unhappy earlier but now they are voicing their concerns.I get about 150-200 complaints every day," he says. He suggests thatIndian women are sexually unhappy because most Indian men "use their partners assleeping pills." India, he says, is still in a patriarchal bind, which sees aman giving love to get sex and a woman giving sex to get love. The pattern ischanging in urban areas but Kothari points out a number of couples who haven'tslept together for 25 years or may never have slept together.Kotharisays India's blinkered sense of shame about sex goes against its traditions.Ancient Indian texts such as the Kamasutra advocate the concept of 'sambhog' orequal pleasure and "emphasize sexual equality and mutuality", even listing waysin which a man should satisfy a woman so that "sexual pleasure is a happinessthat is shared." Sexual medicine consultant and counsellor Dr RajanBonsle points to a gradual but positive change. "Earlier, female patients cameto me only with their complaints. They still do but increasingly, their concernis shifting to knowing and exploring more about themselves. Finally, Indianwomen are realizing that their sexuality is not just defined by the men in theirlives," he says.